EXPLORING ATTACHMENT STYLES
Attachment is such a core component of who we are as people. At the crux of every single relationship,be it familial, romantic or platonic, there is a connection and therefore an attachment. Understanding your attachment style can be incredibly helpful in understanding the dynamics that play out in your relationships. Often, being aware of how we perceive things, enact patterns, and ultimately behave in response to others can be a necessary first step in cultivating successful connections.
So what are attachment styles?
Developed by John Bowlby, grounded in the early works of Mary Ainsworth, attachment styles are essentially how one handles both closeness, and distance in a relationship. How do you respond to receiving attention, attunement, and bids for connection from another? and How do you respond to being apart, engaged in conflict, or being rejected?
These have come to be known as less of a rigid classification system and more of a framework for understanding an individual’s patterns:
- Secure Attachment – Individuals with this type of attachment style experienced a sense of stability and safety with their early caregivers. Their needs were attended to and they were not ignored or punished when they displayed vulnerability or emotion. They developed a sense of trust due to the reliability demonstrated by their caregivers. As a result, these individuals have grown up to be comfortable with intimacy, able to trust and depend on other people without fear of disappointment or rejection, and have the capacity to express emotions openly because they trust the security of the relationship to withstand conflict.
- Anxious Attachment – These individuals have had early caregiving experiences rooted in uncertainty and unpredictability. Their emotional needs were responded to inconsistently and they would have constantly likely needed to constantly seek reassurance. As such, they would grow up to form connections that are rooted in the fear of being ignored, rejected, or abandoned. These individuals become very clingy, overbearing, and constantly desire closeness and intimacy, as distance feels uncertain and thus threatening to the relationship. They may often suppress their own emotions and come across as people-pleasers as they believe this will make them more acceptable and harder to abandon.
- Avoidant Attachment – These individuals fear emotional closeness and intimacy because their early caregiver experiences may have consisted of their emotional needs or vulnerability being dismissed or criticised. As such they become conditioned to believing that intimacy does not result in comfort, and instead leaves you open to being hurt. They then begin to suppress their emotions and rely on themselves. In adult relationships, bids for closeness from a partner may feel threatening, so they retreat and distance themselves to preserve their sense of safety.
- Disorganized Attachment – This style may form in individuals who experienced a push-pull dynamic with early caregivers. Whereby the people who they desired care and comfort from were also the people who represented danger or instability. This may result in individuals desiring closeness and intimacy yet withdrawing or distancing themselves once they receive these things, as they fear the pain it may bring them. This can lead to confusing dynamics played out in their adult relationships.
It is important to remember that your attachment style is not permanent. It is possible to heal from the wounds of early childhood experiences in such a way that they no longer define your current functioning. Therapy can be a helpful space to confront these patterns, understand how they developed, and potentially learn how to manage your fears of abandonment, rejection, or dismissal. The relationship with your therapist can in itself be a corrective experience that allows you to express your emotions, needs, and desires in a safe relationship that will not implode if you do so. If you’d like to engage in this type of exploration, feel free to reach out.