A REFLECTION ON ENDURING GRIEF 

A loved one of mine recently hit a milestone birthday. She sat behind a beautiful cake, illuminated by the glow of the candles, as all her guests beamed with excitement and encouraged her to make a wish. She was so grateful for the love she was being shown, so thankful for everything in her life, yet she could not muster a single smile. As she looked around the room, she was struck with the pain of recognising that someone was missing. So she leaned over, blew out her candles, and under her breath, whispered ‘I wish you were here’.

Grief is an enduring experience. This is a scary thought, especially when so much of ‘healing’ relies on our ability to let go of things. But grief is different. It cannot be ‘fixed’, it needs to be lived in. I find that there is always a great emphasis on making it through those first few ‘big grief events’. The first anniversary of their death, the first birthday they won’t celebrate, the first Christmas they won’t attend. Eventually, the season of firsts ends. But the grief doesn’t go away. There are seconds, thirds, and twentieths  that no one really prepares you for. There are loud days and quiet days. Days when your pain might scream at you, and days when it whispers.

I believe that grief is not just reserved for big moments. It can also be felt in the mundane. Noticing their favourite restaurant has closed down. Going to watch the third installment of a movie franchise they never got to see exist. Realising you’re so much older now, and they probably wouldn’t recognise you if you passed each other on the street. Turning another year older, painfully aware that they never will.

In these moments, grief can be so tangible. In these moments, we are happy, we are enlivened, we are grateful. And yet we are also sad, and lonely, and guilty. We might wonder how we could feel all of these emotions at once? We might even feel ashamed of how much joy we can experience, even in the presence of our sorrow. The truth is, all our emotions are valid. You’re allowed to be over the moon at your graduation, and also devastated that they won’t see you walk across the stage. You’re allowed to miss them, and still enjoy the new life you’ve built for yourself. You’re allowed to have the best time at your party, and still sob over the empty chair in the corner.

There is no right way to grieve. No deadline to be okay. No manual on how to carry on. Though grief is a universal experience, it is also so deeply personal and unique. Your grief may show up next to you everyday, whilst someone else’s grief  may only visit on special occasions. Both instances are valid and real. Both reveal the enduring power of loving someone who is no longer with us.

So, if grief is so immortal, can we ever be free from its weight? While it’s true that this loss will be something we carry with us throughout our lives, it doesn’t have to be so heavy all the time. You might want to try:

• Naming your emotion and understanding where it comes from – Are you angry that they left you behind? Are you frustrated that no one else understands how you’re feeling? Give your emotion a name, locate it in your body, and try and understand what purpose it is serving at that moment.
• Reminiscing about the good times – As difficult as this may be, your loved one deserves to be remembered for the life they lived, not just the life they lost. Try and think about their favourite things, reflect on their achievements, speak about who they were and not who they will never get to be. This could bring you moments of comfort, peace and possibly, even a brief smile.
• Honouring their memory – Doing things to remember them, keep their memory alive, and continue their legacy can often help you feel like they’re still a meaningful part of your life. You might want to try having a moment of silence for them at festivities, keeping a shelf of mementos, or keeping up with their hobbies and interests.
• ‘Closure Rituals’ – Sometimes, losing someone means losing a version of the future we always planned with them. Your pain may then also come from needing to mourn that lost reality. Try writing a letter to them, say all of the things you never got to say to them. Record a video saying goodbye to them, or donate some of their things to a charity they would support. Try whatever you feel could help you come to terms with their absence and the change in your life trajectory.

If these things feel too difficult to try on your own, perhaps also consider reaching out for a therapy session. We can talk about your loved one, reflect on their influence in your life, and help you adjust through this new reality. No matter how big or small, how good or bad, how confusing or scary. We can share the load of your grief, making it a little easier to walk with.