Couples therapy: Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

Psychologist Dr John Gottman began his career studying physics and math yet became one of the foremost experts on love and relationships. He has published over 40 books and 200 academic papers on the topic, conducting incredibly thorough research on over 3000 couples. Of all Dr Gottman’s many contributions, he is most known for his findings on the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. These horsemen are ways of communicating that Gottman’s research found to be warning signs in a relationship. They are not a diagnosis, but rather communication patterns that can negatively affect a relationship. The four horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

It is very important to mention before we continue that these behaviours in isolation do not mean a relationship is doomed. The term “horsemen” may sound very scary, however, even Gottman himself acknowledged that these horsemen exist in most relationships. These communication patterns become problematic when they are all used constantly and consistently in relationships, and where there is insufficient repair in-between. In other words, we are all human and may at times use these ways of communicating. It does not mean a relationship is doomed.

• Criticism refers to directing a critique towards a partner as a person. It is important to stress that this differs from a complaint. The latter is levelled to an event or behaviour. An example of criticism could be ‘you never do x, you are a y type of person’.
• Contempt involves treating a partner as if they are worthless. The contempt Gottman refers to here is a constant and harmful way of interacting, not a momentary feeling that may occur only during conflict.
• Defensiveness, often a reaction to criticism, refers to an attempt to avoid blame and protect oneself. I think this is something that most people can relate to. I certainly can. It’s easy to imagine- ‘Honey, did you get/do x?’ and the reply ‘you know I was busy! Why didn’t you get/do x?’.
• Finally, Stonewalling refers to shutting down a discussion or refusing to respond to a partner. It is the act of disengaging entirely from communicating. Stonewalling goes further than shutting down during conflict. Some individuals struggle to communicate during conflict but can return to communicating after being given some time to process. Not being able to return to communicating almost entirely is stonewalling.

Although their name suggests the end of days, Gottman found that couples who can talk and repair after using these behaviours weren’t heading toward the end of days together. Conflict in relationships and the use of these horsemen during times of stress are common. Again, I want to emphasise that Gottman states that these behaviours become problematic when they are the default and habitual ways of communicating.

Gottman research went on to look at antidotes and psychotherapy for these communication patterns. There are a variety of methods or theories for couples therapy. However, in general, couples therapy aims to reduce conflict, enhance communication, deepen emotional bonds and address relationship issues. Common challenges in relationships may include infidelity, stress, communication difficulties, life changes (e.g., the birth of a child, or losing a job), and more. Couples therapy can be effective for partners whether married or not, and it can benefit relationships that are new or decades old.

Couples therapy is a service we offer at Thrive Psychology and a special interest of mine. I do not view couples therapy being about blaming one partner. Blame does not help or improve the relationship. Instead, it is far more productive to create a safe and non-judgmental space to address issues and find new ways forward. Through couples therapy, partners can discover new ways of communicating and behaving to improve the quality and depth of their relationship.

If any of the four horsemen are lingering in your relationship, please feel welcome to get in touch with us at Thrive Psychology.

In the meantime, if you would like to know more about Gottman’s ideas, his book the ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ is a fantastic read for any and every couple.

The ideas presented here are from John Gottman and do not represent the totality of views from the field. These views are not necessarily my own views, nor does this constitute psychological advice/opinion/diagnosis.

Steven Levitas

Thrive Psychology

References

Becvar, D. S., & Becvar, R. J. (2013). Family therapy: A systemic integration (8^th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education.

The Gottman Institute(n.d.). John & Julie Gottman. https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/

Jencius, M., & Duba, J. D. (2003). The marriage of research and practice: An interview with John M. Gottman. The Family Journal, 11(2), 216-223.

Julie S. Gottman and John M. Gottman. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. New York: WW Norton & Company

Silver, N., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: What you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last. Simon & Schuster.