Fair Fighting

Conflict is a part of life. We can try ignore it but it is inevitable. It is often viewed as a negative or bad thing. However, this is far from the truth. In fact, in a relationship, conflict is healthy and necessary. Conflict can bring couples closer, as well as encourage trust and intimacy.

What is conflict?

A simple definition of conflict could be ‘disagreement’. Conflict can be a big and scary word. It can evoke images of shouting matches, silent treatment or sleeping on the couch. However, this is not the only way to express disagreement.

What is Fair Fighting?

Disagreement will occur at times. It is impossible to completely avoid it. The difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict lies in how it is handled. Fair Fighting refers to a healthier way to manage conflict or disagreement.

Some principles of Fair Fighting may include:

• Focus on the Issue, Not the Person:

During conflict we focus more on the person than the issue. Some may refer to this as the ad hominem fallacy. That is, criticising the person instead of the issue/behaviour.  

• Take a Pause:

If emotions are boiling over, take a break and reconvene once calmer. This is not avoiding the conflict or stonewalling, but rather mutually agreeing to delay the conversation until both partners are less riled up.

• Listen with the Intent to Understand

During the heat of conflict, our ears often close. We get stuck in trying to explain why we think we are right. We get so preoccupied by this that we forget to listen. However, we have to understand our partners perspective in order to avoid this fight again in the future. Listening also means allowing our partner to talk without interrupting, and acknowledging how they feel.

• Work Towards a Solution

Being ‘right’ does not necessarily lead towards a solution. Rather than focusing on ‘winning’ a fight, find a collaborative way to work towards a solution. This may be in the form of compromise. The idea here is to prevent this conflict from occurring again in the future.

• Act as Allies and not Adversaries

While you may be disagreeing with your partner, remember you and your partner should be on the same team. Trying to ‘win’ conflict does not mean you ‘win’ at or in the relationship.

• Try Understand Your Own and Your Partners Triggers

We all have things that trigger us – be it a specific event or even ways of communicating. For example, A partner who wants to deal with conflict as it occurs vs one who needs time to process it. By understanding our needs and our partners needs we can meet in the middle.

• Things to Avoid:

Violence, name calling, belittling, sarcasm, stonewalling, etc.

Some Concluding Thoughts

I like to think that there are general fair fighting rules and couple specific fair fighting rules. The above represents general rules. Couple-specific rules may be aimed at specific dynamics or contextual issues. For example, if one or both in the couple work nightshifts, a rule may be not to engage in conflict after one/both members have come off a night shift.

Conflict and growth are not mutually exclusive. Conflict can build trust, intimacy and deepen bonds. Conflict and growth can go hand in hand. Conflict may be a doorway to an improved relationship.

Couples therapy can help to create a set of Fair Fighting Rules to try ensure conflict is constructive. Similarly, if you feel like you are in the same cycle of conflict with little to no resolution, couples therapy may be of value. As always, I am available at Thrive Psychology should you wish to discuss this more.

• Steve