Understanding Co-dependency: When Caring Becomes Costly

Relationships are part of the human experience. Most relationships can be a source of support, empathy, meaning and connection. But sometimes, our desire to care for and support others can cross a line and begin to harm rather than help. This is where the concept of Co-dependency comes in.

What Is Co-dependency?

Co-dependency is a pattern of behaviour where someone consistently prioritises another person’s needs, feelings, or problems at the expense of their own wellbeing. I like to think about Co-dependency as the chronic loss of self for another. It is often spoken about with reference to a romantic partner and/or substance use issue. However, these kinds of dynamics can occur in other relationships such as relationships with parents, children, siblings, friendships and even in professional settings.

What Can Co-dependency Look Like in a Relationship?

• You feel like you’re constantly “fixing” or rescuing the other person
• Your mood depends heavily on how the other person is feeling
• You find it hard to say “no,” even when you’re overwhelmed
• You feel guilty when you prioritise yourself
• You censor yourself for fear of what the other will say
• You sacrifice your desires/needs in order to ‘keep the peace’
• You worry that setting boundaries will make you “selfish” or unloved

These patterns can be extremely difficult to see at times. In the midst of the relationship, it can be difficult to see the wood from the trees.

Why Is Co-dependency Harmful?

The unhealthy relationship dynamics in Co-dependency may eventually result in self-neglect and sacrificing one’s mental wellbeing. This includes:

• Chronic stress/Burnout
• Loss of one’s sense of who they are
• Feelings of resentment, frustration, and/or emptiness
• Abusive relationships
• Other mental health disorders

Healing from Co-dependency

The good news is that Co-dependency is not a life sentence. With insight, support and sometimes therapy, these patterns can change. Co-dependency may require therapy as these relationship patterns are often so entrenched in one’s life. Therapy for Co-dependency may involve:

• Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• Prioritising oneself
• Exploring and/or Rediscovering one’s own desires/needs and sense of self
• Explore and develop healthy relationships
• Gaining support

Co-dependency is not a mental disorder, but rather a description of relationship patterns. It is possible that mental disorders do emerge from Co-dependent relationships or underly these patterns. The purpose of this blog post is not to diagnose nor offer medical advice, but rather a discussion of psychological topics.

If this blog resonates with you, know that you’re not alone—and that awareness is the first step toward change. Co-dependency often comes from a place of deep care and sensitivity – which are not flaws. With guidance and support, these qualities can be transformed into strength, balance, and deeper connection. If you want to learn more or gain support have a look at Coda (Co-dependency Anonymous SA).

If you’re struggling with co-dependent patterns or unsure how to navigate a relationship that feels emotionally imbalanced, therapy can help. Together, we can explore your unique relational history and work toward healthier, more fulfilling ways of connecting—with others and with yourself.

• Steve