Understanding the Cycle of Abuse: Breaking Free from the Loop

Abuse in relationships rarely begins with violence. It often follows a patterned cycle—a repetitive feedback loop that keeps individuals trapped, confused, and questioning themselves. Understanding this cycle is one of the first steps toward healing, empowerment, and breaking free.

The Four Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

Psychologist Lenore E. Walker identified four common stages that abusive relationships often follow:

1. Tension Building

This stage feels like walking on eggshells. Small conflicts, irritations, or subtle criticisms start to pile up. The abuser may become moody, controlling, or demanding. The victim often tries to appease them, anticipating the eruption and hoping to prevent it.

Signs to notice: constant anxiety, hypervigilance, avoiding conflict, feeling like nothing is “good enough.”

2. Incident (Explosion)

The tension eventually erupts. This can take the form of verbal attacks, emotional manipulation, physical violence, sexual abuse, or financial control. The victim is left shocked, hurt, or terrified.

Signs to notice: yelling, insults, threats, gaslighting, physical harm, or deliberate intimidation.

3. Reconciliation (The Honeymoon Phase)

After the incident, the abuser may express guilt, apologise, or promise to change. They may shower the victim with affection, gifts or attention, creating a false sense of security. Victims often cling to this phase, hoping the “good side” of their partner will last.

Signs to notice: apologies that don’t lead to real change, blaming stress/alcohol/others, promises that things will be different, excessive affection that feels out of character.

4. Calm

Things seem to return to “normal.” The abuse is downplayed or denied, and both partners may act as though the incident never happened. But without intervention, the tension will eventually start building again, restarting the cycle.

Signs to notice: minimization of the abuse, pretending it never happened, or a fragile peace that feels temporary.

Why It’s Hard to Break the Cycle

Individuals often feel trapped because of emotional attachment, financial dependency, children, cultural/religious beliefs, or fear. The honeymoon phase in particular creates hope that an abuser has changed, which makes leaving even more complicated.

A Final Word

The cycle of abuse is powerful, but it is not unbreakable. If you or someone you know is experiencing this pattern, remember: you are not alone, and help is available. Please consider your safety at all times! Healing begins with recognition, and every step toward safety is a step toward reclaiming your life and hopefully Thriving.

• Steve

References

Walker, L. E. (2009). The battered woman syndrome. Springer publishing company.