The Myth of the Perfect Parent and the Power of ‘Good Enough’

Parenting can feel like a constant performance review. Social media, parenting books, school newsletters, and even casual chats by the school parking lot can leave you wondering if you’re doing enough, being enough, or getting it “right.”

The idea of the perfect parent is seductive. It’s a comforting fantasy that, if we could just figure out the formula, our children would be safe, happy, and thriving in every possible way. But the truth is, perfection in parenting doesn’t exist. And aiming for it can actually make us less effective, not more.

Where the Myth Comes From

The pressure to be perfect often comes from a blend of sources:

• Cultural expectations about what “good parenting” looks like.
• Family history, where you might try to replicate (or completely avoid) your own upbringing.
• Comparison culture, amplified by Instagram-worthy parenting moments.
• Fear of getting it wrong, especially in a world that feels unpredictable, or where every possible mistake can be scrutinised.

It’s not just about doing the right things. It’s about how much responsibility we feel for shaping every outcome in our children’s lives.

The “Good Enough” Parent

The term “good enough” parenting comes from psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who found that children don’t need perfect parents. They need caregivers who are attuned, responsive, and consistent most of the time. Children also need caregivers who also make mistakes, repair them, and model how to navigate life’s bumps.

Being “good enough” means:

• Responding to your child’s needs without over-controlling or over-protecting.
• Allowing them to experience frustration and disappointment in a safe environment.
• Knowing that missteps, misunderstandings, and even occasional meltdowns are part of a healthy relationship.

Why Perfection Backfires

When we chase perfection:

• We become less emotionally available because we’re focused on “getting it right.”
• We set impossible standards that create guilt and self-criticism.
• We unintentionally communicate to children that making mistakes is not okay, which robs them from a vital part of learning and resilience.

The Real Power in “Good Enough”

By embracing “good enough” parenting, we support the child’s development in multiple ways, such as:

• Modelling self-compassion: Showing children it’s okay to make mistakes, which supports their emotional development.
• Build resilience: They learn that relationships can survive misunderstandings and conflict. This promotes a realistic view of relationships (not everyone is ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’).
• Foster independence: We trust them to navigate challenges without constant intervention. We allow children to experience and work through small challenges to build confidence and develop a sense of competence. This fosters autonomy and develops their problem-solving skills.
• Protects your wellbeing as the parent: This philosophy is meant to relieve parents from the pressure to be perfect, which reduces guilt, anxiety, and burnout. How does this support your child’s development? Well, a parent who feels emotionally steady is more likely to respond warmly and consistently over time.

A Gentle Reframe

Instead of asking, “Am I a good parent?”… Try asking, “Am I present, attuned, and willing to repair when things go wrong?”

That’s where connection grows. That’s where children feel truly safe and loved. Perfection isn’t the goal. Connection is. Maybe even include the motto: “Connection over Perfection”, when you feel yourself trying to be perfect.