Why Can’t I Just Relax?

A gentle look at why rest can feel hard (even when you want it).

You finally have some space to rest.
There is nothing urgent on your plate, no one asking for anything, and part of you is telling yourself, “Just enjoy the quiet.”
And yet… your chest feels tight, your thoughts are racing, or your body feels oddly uncomfortable in the stillness. You find yourself scrolling, tidying, or reaching for something to do. You want to rest. You know you need it. So why does it feel so hard?

This tension around resting is something many people experience, even if they do not speak about it openly. On the surface it may look like procrastination or overthinking. But underneath, it is often a nervous system that does not yet feel safe enough to slow down. And that has its own story.

Rest and the nervous system

Being able to relax is not just about time or willingness. It is about whether your nervous system feels safe enough to let go.

For some, slowing down triggers a kind of internal alarm. Stillness may create space for difficult feelings, old memories, or discomfort to rise to the surface. In these moments, busyness is not just a habit;  it becomes a form of emotional protection.

You might find yourself tensing up, becoming fidgety, or suddenly “remembering” a task that must be done. These are not failures. They are signals. Your body is trying to tell you something.

Where this discomfort comes from

There are many reasons why rest may not feel comfortable. Some possibilities include:

• Growing up in chaotic or unpredictable environments, where staying alert felt safer than relaxing
• Living with trauma or chronic stress, which keeps the nervous system in a heightened state
• Internalised beliefs about productivity, such as “I only have worth if I am being useful”
• Cultural or family messages that labelled rest as laziness or indulgence
• Perfectionism, where stillness feels like you are “falling behind”

In these cases, the discomfort with rest is not irrational. It is patterned. It was learned. And it can be unlearned with gentleness and time.

When rest stirs up more than peace

Sometimes when we try to slow down, we find that rest brings up physical and emotional unease, not calm. This can look like:

• A racing heart or shallow breathing
• Tight muscles, clenched jaw, or tension headaches
• A sense of guilt, shame, or fear
• Sadness or emotional numbness

This experience is not unusual. The body often holds what the mind has been pushing away. In therapeutic terms, this is sometimes referred to as somatisation – where emotional pain or unresolved stress is expressed through physical symptoms.

In these moments, your body may need a bridge between alertness and rest. Moving straight into stillness may feel overwhelming. This is not resistance. It is your system asking for support.

What might help

Rather than forcing yourself to relax, consider how you can create conditions that make rest feel safer. Here are some gentle starting points:

• Create a transition into rest. This might look like stretching, walking, shaking out your hands, or doing a few deep exhales before sitting down. Movement can help discharge nervous energy.
• Try ‘low-demand’ rest first. You do not have to meditate in silence to be resting. Listening to music, lying under a blanket, or watching something soothing can be enough.
• Name what shows up. If guilt, worry, or sadness arises, gently name it. This invites curiosity instead of suppression.
• Explore the story behind the discomfort. Is there an internal voice saying “You should be doing more”? Whose voice might that be?
• Let rest be imperfect. You do not have to feel calm or serene for it to count. Even small moments of slowing down are meaningful.

Therapy can support this process, especially if your body has learned that stillness is a vulnerable place. The goal is not to force rest, but to help you feel safe enough for it to happen.

Final thoughts

Struggling to relax does not mean something is wrong with you. It often means your nervous system is carrying more than it can easily set down. When rest feels hard, the answer is not to push yourself harder… It is to listen more gently.

Over time, your body can relearn that it is safe to soften, pause, and simply be.
Rest is not something you need to earn. It is something you deserve to feel at home in.

Disclaimer

This blog post is for informational and reflective purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health support. If you are struggling, consider reaching out to a qualified therapist or healthcare provider.

References

Porges, S. W. (2017). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. Norton.
Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. Norton.
van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma. Penguin.