Relationship Contract

Today I thought I would touch on something I love and that is so important in a relationship. – a relationship contract. If you do not know what that is, don’t panic. If we are in a relationship, we have a relationship contract – even if you do not recall filling in any paperwork. So, let’s get into what a Relationship Contract is and isn’t.

What Is a Relationship Contract?

To start, the Relationship Contract I refer to is not a Cohabitation Agreement. When I say Relationship Contract, I am referring to a metaphorical agreement that we all undertake in our relationship. This contract specifies the expectations, assumptions and boundaries that partners of a relationship agree to. This contract is both spoken and unspoken.

For example, a relationship contract may include:

• The status of the relationship eg: monogamy, polygamy or polyamory
• How partners communicate
• How conflict is navigated
• Who is responsible for specific roles and responsibilities
• Intimacy

Over time unspoken beliefs, roles, and responsibilities may change. In this way, a relationship contract is dynamic and changing. Again, this contract may contain details overtly discussed by the partners. It may also contain details from unspoken rules.

A relationship contract is not an absolute or gospel. It is a roadmap that helps both partners. It evolves as our relationship and lives evolve.

Why is this Important?

A relationship contract is a beautiful metaphor. It gives us a way to understand and examine behaviour in the context of our relationship. I think it is a cornerstone of couple’s therapy. In couple’s therapy, the underlying expectations and assumptions of this agreement are explored and examined.

Often couples come to therapy after an ‘event’ in which a behaviour occurred that acts against this contract. For example, infidelity may go against this contract. In couples therapy, we may explore the relationship contract and perhaps how this needs to change in order to adapt and grow from whatever event has happened. In this way, the relationship contract is renegotiated.

Smaller violations of the contract can also eventually lead to partners having very different expectations and assumptions about their relationship. An example is expecting a partner to complete all household responsibilities. Until the metaphorical relationship contract is made explicit, conflict may ensue.

The relationship contract is not meant to be seen as a means of punishing one partner. Again, it’s a map to the relationship for both partners. At times, we may get slightly (or extremely) lost. However, by working on the relationship, we are always able to find our partner. Even events like infidelity can be worked through and even result in a stronger relationship!

Should you wish to find out more, I am available at Thrive Psychology.

• Steve